Sunday, 11 October 2009

The Future is Bright but a Little Bit Scary

This Thursday will be my last chemotherapy session. “Hooray!” says everybody and I definitely agree. But, weirdly, a small part of me is not joining in the celebrations.

I have so much to look forward to. Nick will be arriving in less than two weeks. Then I’m going home to Australia for a long stretch in the sun. So why do I feel conflicted?

My guess is that I am afraid. Of the future. Soon I will be resuming my normal life (whatever that is), but as a cancer survivor. I don’t even know what that means in practical terms. But, psychologically, it’s a label I shy away from. I don’t want to identify myself as ‘Lily – cancer survivor’. I want to be ‘Lily – a fabulous friend’, ‘Lily – chic chick’ and ‘Lily – sexy girlfriend’ and ‘Lily – creative blogging goddess’.

So far, I have been looked after every step of the way on this life-defining cancer journey. I’m flattered to have all those eminent doctors taking an interest in me. Above all, I have had the constant care of the wonderful nurses. I will miss them. I don’t know how to make sense of all these mixed feelings.

I Skype Nick: “Darling you’ve just become a tiny bit institutionalised,” he informs me, “you’ll be like one of those people who goes out and commits burglaries so that they can get back into prison.” “Except I will have to deliberately contract cancer in order to be readmitted.” I reply. I wonder if I might go down the road of developing full-blown Münchausen Syndrome. “I could always take up smoking again?” I suggest, with a hopeful lilt.


Anonymous said...

Hi Darling, you are amusingly creative as ever. Just a thought; perhaps our journey with breast cancer is a life affirming process/experience? Lots of Love x

Anonymous said...

I was very interested to read your article in The Times on Saturday.
Following a routine mammogram I was diagnosed with Grade 2 Breast Cancer (non hormonal) in May of this year.
I have one more chemo session to go but so far I have been lucky not to have suffered any sickness or nausea.
I then have 20 days of radiotherapy to have and should be finished by Christmas. I am interested to hear from any other patients who like me are herceptin negative and will have no drugs after radiotherapy.
I have kept a journal throughout my treatment and intend to publish it someday! Aly