A Few Things I've Learned About Scarves and Turbans

*Heavy satin scarves are too slippery. They will slide off your head in the middle of a dinner party or Tesco’s.

* Turbans are the most glamorous headgear of all time. They are affected, regal, divine and they give you an instant facelift. That’s why Joan Crawford and Joan Collins always wore them (this picture is of Faye Dunaway - don't write in). I bought a stunner in midnight blue velveteen from an eBay shop Glamour Enhancement. £10.99. Add huge chandelier earrings, false eyelashes and deep red lipstick to perfect the look.

* To make a wrap: Drape a long scarf over your head with the tails hanging down in front of your shoulders. Starting at the level of your ears, twist the two tails into ropes. Wrap the ropes behind your head and then bring them around and tie them at the front. Tuck the ends in. Wear with elaborate Indian earrings and vivid eye make-up.

* There is a man on Portobello Market, under the Westway, who has a whole rail of long scarves and another whole rail of squares. All at £5 each.

* People can still see that you’re bald if you are wearing a crocheted hat.

* Audrey Hepburn style: Fold a large silk square in halves to make a triangle. Drape the triangle over your head with the long side covering your forehead. Tie the ends once under your chin. Wrap the tails around to the back of your neck. Catch the pointed end of the scarf underneath the tails before tying them into a small bow. Wear with huge sunglasses and pale pink lips.

* Pirate scarf: Fold a large cotton square into a triangle. If the scarf is very large, fold the long side back on itself to reduce the area of the triangle. Drape it over your head with the long side over your forehead. Wrap the long ends over your ears and around to the nape of your neck, catching the pointy end of the triangle underneath. Tie in a one-looped bow then pull the bow forward to one side behind your ear so that the tail hangs over your shoulder. Add huge hoop earrings. This style also looks great under a Panama hat. The Indian shop on Portobello Road sells fab cotton scarves with a skull print, £4.99.

* It really is distressing to wake up and find a giant hairball nestling on your pillow. Look for a soft, cuddly sleep cap in knitted cotton or silk to contain the fallout. I bought a terry-towelling one from Glamour Enhancement £5.99.