Wednesday, 28 July 2010

It Feels So Old A Pain

I’m a bit down today. This afternoon I went to see Mr Hadjiminas for a check-up following last week’s surgery. I've had high hopes that my back will soon be smooth and healed. But it has started to fill up with fluid again. First Mr H removes all the sticky dressings as carefully as he can. It is just not possible to get those buggers off without a certain amount of theatrical wincing and ouching. He then drains the fluid with a big needle. That does hurt.

“I’m trying not to be despondent,” I say with a despondent sigh. “Good. It’s early days yet,” says Mr H. He wants me to go back tomorrow so that he can rig up some kind of pressure bandage. But it seems that I won’t be able to wash without removing it. “Do you have anyone at home who can help you to put it on nice and tight?” Well no, I don’t. Suddenly I get quite upset. I just want all this to be over and it’s not. I don’t want a visible reminder that I’ve had breast cancer. I don’t want to live with a constant low-level of pain and discomfort. I don’t want to struggle on my own and not be able to wash because there’s nobody to help me put my bandages on. I hate Nick for leaving me alone. I’m so disappointed that I allowed him to take the place in my heart and in my life that should have been reserved for someone decent who might have loved and cherished me.


Muriel said...

Canalily you've been through so much already, this is nothing in comparison!
I completely understand how you feel. I firmly believe that there is someone wonderful out there for you. You are such a great person.
But until then, you can go through this.
Take care, and courage!!

canalily said...

Thanks Muriel. I know. I'm just being petulant. Sometimes it all gets on top of me.

paolability said...

Not wanting to get out of bed sounds like one of the depression symtoms. Your GP can assess you and help you.

Also ask your GP about how to arrange a District Nurse to visit you at home to change your dressings.

I hope you are able to find some respite at this difficult time.


Karen Pasquali Jones said...

Hi Lily,

I'm a journalist doing a piece on breast cancer for a women's weekly magazine and would like to ask you a couple of questions. Please could you email me on I tried to email you on here but it didn't work.
I hope to hear from you soon - and hope you feel better, thanks,