Charity Begins at Home

And I thought I had it bad. Today I received by email the most sorry tale of Mr Wahid Adada, a Crude Oil merchant in IRAN of all places. This lost soul has been a tyrannical and miserly old skinflint for all of his life and now he is in the terminal stages of ‘Esophageal cancer’, which sounds perfectly dreadful.

As the grim reaper circles Mr Adada has come to see how misguided his former grasping ways have been. He is now keen to put all that right by distributing alms to the needy. By his own admission, he is only doing it because he wants ‘God to be merciful to me and accept my soul’. Nevertheless, his aims are worthy and surely we must all applaud a deathbed redemption.

I read on. And the tale gets worse. It seems that poor old Wahid (I feel that, since he has chosen me as his confidant, I may refer to him by his first name) is simply too frail to give his fifteen million dollars away. And he can’t ask his family to do it because they will just keep the money for themselves. They’re obviously just like him. Can I help Wahid out of this hole?

Of course I can. You hold on there, Wahid. Even though I am myself currently laid up in bed with my laptop I will rescue you. Don’t die before I’ve given you the chance to make amends for your wasted life. Miracles truly happen. This is evident in the simple fact that, of all the people in the world, your email came to me, a stranger, yet a fellow sufferer and an absolute paragon of neediness. I will take that fifteen million and make sure that it is used to bring comfort and succour. I will buy a luxury yacht, a live-in macrobiotic chef-cum-shiatsu masseur and one of those whirlpool foot bath things. And surgery. Obviously I don’t need any silicone but how about some Blepharoplasty (that’s an eye-tuck to you)?

I hit reply. “Dear Mr Adada, It is with gratitude that I humbly accept your kind offer...” then I notice that the return address is not ‘wahidadada.esq@crudeoilmansions.com’ but ‘smslive247s@kandmtowingandrepair.com’. Towing? And?? Repair???

Something is not as it should be. Surely such an eminent man as Wahid would have his own computer and not need to nip down to the local scrap yard to send an email? I am begin to suspect that this whole thing is another cruel hoax designed to extract cash from a wretched and confused cancer victim. For a moment I feel utterly crushed. To be frank I’m disappointed to live in a world that breeds such venality.

This very moment I have made up my mind to donate £5 to the Breast Cancer Haven. That will show Mr Wahid Adada or whatever his name is that real charity is a noble thing.