Out of the Frying Pan

“Oh forget about internet dating,” says Iris. “get a death-row pen-pal.” She pulls a book from her handbag. THE NIGHT STALKER screams the title in huge letters. It is the story of Richard Ramirez, an out-and-out sociopath who killed thirteen people in Los Angeles, having raped several of them. Despite the vicious nature of the murders and his total lack of remorse Richard Ramirez apparently has a huge fan club of women who write to him in San Quentin prison. One of them even got married to him. Iris flicks open the book. Inside are photographs of a shockingly handsome man. He looks like a cross between Mick Jagger and Che Guevara. “There's a website and you can just do a search for the kind of psycho you want. Of course, you can’t have sex with them,” says Iris, grinning.

I Long to Sleep a Dreamless Sleep

5.40 a.m. I haven’t slept all night. Switch on the radio. “In the news today in 1962, actress Marilyn Monroe was found dead with a bottle of sleeping pills by her side.” Cut to an interview with John Huston, “Nobody was surprised... One of her main enemies was sleeplessness.”

This is the Modern World

“You do know Lily,” says Wanda in a matter-of-fact-tone, “that you’re going to have to do internet dating, for research purposes.”

Apparently everyone is doing it but I completely balk at the idea.

“Why don’t you do internet dating and then tell me all about it Wanda?”

“Well I would, but my husband might not approve.”

“There you see, if internet dating was so great you’d be doing it instead of running off and getting married.”

If You Try Sometimes, You Get What You Need

There’s a knock-knock at the door. It’s Sheldon. “How are you Lily?” he asks. “I’m fine” I say and then burst into tears. “I’m sorry Sheldon,” I say, between sobs, “I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I keep getting like this. I should be better by now.”

“Lily,” says Sheldon, “Imagine that you hadn’t seen me for a year or so and then we met and you said, ‘Hey Sheldon, what’s been happening?’ And I told you that I’d had cancer and chemotherapy and then I’d gone out to Australia and when I got there I found out that my girlfriend had been cheating on me and she left me and I’d had a mental breakdown and wound up in a rehab, then I’d come back to London and gone back into hospital again for more surgery. How do you think I would be feeling about now?” I look at him, “quite devastated,” I reply.

To cheer me up, Sheldon takes me to dinner at Makan, the lovely Malaysian café down the road. Then we jump in the car and head over to Shepherd’s Bush to see The Jolly Boys. This Jamaican Mento band has been going, in one form or another, for over fifty years. Most of them are in their seventies and eighties. The band was recently rediscovered by Jon Baker, co-owner of GeeJam studio in Port Antonio. Now they're doing a world tour and releasing an album. The Jolly Boys shuffle on stage. The lead singer looks like Freddy Kruger. They perform a line-up of cover versions rendered in Mento style including Blondie’s Hanging on the Telephone and The Rolling Stones’ You Can’t Always Get What You Want. It’s just hilarious. Finally they break into Amy Winehouse’s Rehab. The crowd go wild, dancing and singing along. World changing music it aint but if The Jolly Boys turned up to play at my wedding I think I would be very pleased. And their current success is testament to Lily’s first principle of living well: Never give up. Follow your dreams until you die.

Sheba!

A reader in Queensland sent this amazing painting. I love it.

The Visit of the Queen of Sheba to King Solomon by Sir Edward John Poynter Bt PRA RWS (1839-1919).

In the right hand corner you can see a man preparing the beetroot juice for the Queen.

Royal Juice

I picture this juice being served to the Queen of Sheba as she reclines on silken cushions.

Everything should be organic

About three smallish raw beetroots

6-8 strawberries

Juice of one lime.

Put the beetroot and strawberries through the juice extractor. It’s better to put the strawberries through in between the beetroots. This is because the hard beetroots will help to push the softer strawberry pulp through the mesh of the juice extractor. If you’re using a Champion juice extractor scoop up the pulp and feed it through a second time. Squeeze the limes on a citrus press and stir in the lime juice.

Secrets Keep Us Sick

I have noticed a tendency amongst some cosmetics manufacturers not to list the ingredients contained in their products on their websites. I wonder if these might be the manufacturers with the most to hide?

Product: Jan Marini AntiOxidant Daily Face Protectant SPF 30

Dear Sir or Madam, Please be so kind as to email me a list of the ingredients contained in Jan Marini AntiOxidant Daily Face Protectant SPF 30. With best regards, Cannalily

Product: M.A.C. Studio Moisture Tint SPF 15

Dear Sir or Madam, Please be so kind as to email me a list of the ingredients contained in M.A.C Studio Moisture Tint SPF 15. With best regards, Cannalily

Product: Benefit Dandelion face powder

Dear Sir or Madam, Please be so kind as to email me a list of the ingredients contained in Benefit Dandelion. With best regards, Cannalily

Nana to the Rescue

I wake up rested, sans elastic bandage. Oh dear. What have I done? How am I going to get the thing back on again?

With relief I remember that Nana is coming to clean the flat this morning. I will ask her to help me. In the meantime I’m going to have a long, long, hot, hot shower and wash my hair.

That's Enough of That

3 a.m. I’m hot. I’m sweaty. I’m itchy. I’m uncomfortable. Damn it, I’m wide-awake. Aargh. I rip the elasticated pink sausage-skin from my body.

Who ever knew that lying naked in a cool cotton sheet could be such utter bliss?

The Princess and the Pea

I’ve been asleep nearly all day. That’s because I didn’t sleep one wink last night. The big pink elastic bandage is lumpy, itchy, and hot. I feel this is shaping up to be a long week.