Tuesday, 18 May 2010

How to Stop Smoking

A reader asks: "Lily, what is your secret?"

Here, I can reveal how it is done: Smoke until you’re almost sick. Throw the remaining cigarettes in the bin and cover them with the pulp from the juice extractor. Pace around the flat. Pick the soggy fags out of the bin and smoke them. Apply a nicotine patch. After a few hours rip the patch off because it brings you out in itchy hives. Don’t smoke – one minute at a time. Go to bed on the couch. Read a book. Pace around. Sleep some more.  Put yourself through a really stressful situation such as having a mammogram and ultrasound scan to see if you have cancer or not. Get fantastic news and become overwhelmed with emotion. Apply another nicotine patch. Fall asleep with it on and have nightmares. Ring up Nick in Australia and scream at him. Celebrate not having cancer by relapsing with 10 Camel Lights. Stop again, one minute at a time...

You may take these steps in any order, so long as you do the last one last.

Allen Carr made a fortune in this arena. I too may write a book: “The Stupid Way to Stop Smoking”.


Anonymous said...

How extraordinary Jessica, it's rather late, but i decided to checkup on the blogs of my already friends and ones hopefully to be. I was about to suggest this morning to not not not pay for any of Alan Carr's books and please please could someone re-write his stupid stuff! Well done Jessica - great minds think alike. Somehow you end up writing it up after I've had the thoughts. Weird, wild at heart and still carefree. love x