How to Decorate Your Hospital Room

The door to my room opens and my eyes are filled with a vision of sunshine and beautiful flowers. There’s a gorgeous bunch of pink peonies and roses with a card from Nick, an extremely elegant arrangement of white peonies, roses and cow parsley from Cindy, a huge explosion of deep crimson long stemmed roses from Flossie.

Miranda, Nick, Eloise and Flossie are also in the room.

The nurses slide me onto the bed, plump up my pillows and hook my jugular vein up to the morphine dispenser. “Just press the button whenever you need it.” I press it immediately.

Miranda and Nick have stocked the fridge with fresh green juice (fennel and something?) and my favourite healthy sprout salad.

Iris and Jamie arrive with more flowers. There is a carnival atmosphere in the room. Everyone is chatting and ordering up cups of tea from the catering lady. Eloise pumps fistfulls of alcohol sanitising gel from the bottle at the foot of my bed and smears it all over the floor. She then begins scrubbing it all around with paper towels. Once the floor is awash with the stuff she pumps out several more big gloops and starts in on sanitising the doors. "Eloise," says Miranda sharply, "enough of that alcohol gel." "But, mummy," replies Eloise plaintively, "I love the smell." Flossie shoots me a knowing and slightly worried glance.

Jamie fetches some Blu-tack and sticks all my cards up on the wall. Eloise falls asleep so Miranda obtains pillows and blankets from the nurses and puts her to bed in the bath. Iris and Flossie buzz down to Marylebone High Street and return with a clock shaped like a gigantic pocket-watch. They hang the clock on the wall. It wouldn’t look out of place at the Mad Hatter’s tea party. In fact the whole event could be the most surreal and best party I’ve ever hosted. Beneath this avalanche of love and flowers and drugs I feel as though I’ve won the lottery.