The Downside of Morphine

If you ask me, there’s a lot to be said for Morphine. Of course there is the very real risk that one may become addicted, lose one’s job, sell all one’s furniture, take to shoplifting, go to gaol and end up living under the railway arches at Charing Cross. But in the short term it’s great.

The immediate downside, of course, is constipation.

I just went to the loo for the first time this week. Oh dear. I press the nurse call button. Nurse Sarah pops in. “I’m sorry,” I say, “I seem to have blocked up the toilet.” Nurse Sarah marches into the bathroom. I hear the sound of flushing and then a shriek. She comes reeling out the door, shaking with laughter. “The pan has filled up to the brim with water.” I’m glad she thinks it’s funny.

Nurse Sarah exits and then returns a few minutes later wearing a plastic apron, gloves and goggles and armed with a stick. “Plumbing is one of my many skills,” she says, with pride.